Does Shame Play A Role In Your Depression?
I’m sorry if you’re struggling right now, but I’d like to ask—do you ever feel like you’ve got “something” to hide?
If so, I understand… and here’s an urgent newsflash for you…
Some of the people who need therapy for depression make 1 unfortunate choice when it comes to trying to “get better” in life. They refuse to get help like depression treatment because of thinking patterns that they actually believe deep down they need to overcome.
Here’s what to do… and, more importantly, how to stop doing it right now.
Ok, let me ask you another question:
Do you have trouble accepting what others might not like about you? And does that make you feel like, “no worries, John!” Or does it make you feel something else?
If so, I’ve had enough “life challenges” myself (and been alongside enough other human beings going through the same thing) to know one thing’s for sure:
Most people with depression have what you might call poor “mental health” when it comes to emotions like shame.
Shame isn’t guilt, like something’s ethically or morally wrong. No, shame comes from a belief that others look at you in judgment to be this or that “inferior” quality.
But here’s the shocker:
All of this happens to us for a very specific and concrete psychological reason… we just need to give it close and thoughtful attention!
A Downward Spiral Of Shame
This happens because, deep down inside, most people feel ashamed when they believe their mistakes can never be taken back and others will ridicule them.
These people think something like, “I look like an idiot,” then maybe sometime later they’ll make the leap, “It’s horrible for anyone to look this way”… and now they feel ashamed.
So, what could you do instead? What could you ask yourself to start the process of leaving the shame behind…
… and start managing any aftereffects you may be experiencing?
I’m glad you asked. Here are 3 questions to help you process shame (and they’re examples of questions I’ll use in cognitive therapy sessions with you):
#1: Have you ever felt ashamed of something before in your past and you don’t feel that way anymore?
Listen… as crucial as it is to be ready for your negative thinking patterns, your situation may be much more immediate. You’re probably also dealing with various outside pressures like the following examples.
Someone who feels shame concerning others is much more likely to seem “tense” to others, more likely to seem anxious or blocked. Worst of all, that person is almost sure to come across like there’s something to hide.
You know how it goes. Here’s another example:
Maybe you always feel guilty, and it can be hard to talk about depression when you’re embarrassed. Perhaps you also know your family can be understanding, but putting that worry on them is something you don’t want to do. It’ll make you feel even worse because you don’t want them to feel that emotional burden so you try to take it all on by yourself.
And, of course…
Your family probably knows you’re struggling with something in life. But maybe you’ve been down before and you couldn’t hide it from your family, so everyone talked about the subject and now you’re hesitant to do it again…
Or maybe you’ve had other experiences like this?
I’ll tell you that after working with a compassionate depression therapist like me, it’s possible to come away “seeing things in a different light.”
You might come away thinking, “That’s how I can try to be looser in the situation.” Or, “That’s how I can rise above shame about this or that behavior.”
You see what I mean. The real question is… what does this mean for you?
It means that it could be helpful for you to think about the fact that much of shame is, in a way, self-made. And an easy way to think about it is this:
Remember a thing you were once embarrassed about but no longer bothers you.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying you have to find a part of yourself that you’re all perfect in now or something. I’m just suggesting you start entertaining the idea you may have once been ashamed of something that no longer matters when you see it from today’s perspective instead of from yesterday’s.
In other words… a person who feels shame may play a role with shame, too. That person may be choosing to feel some of the shame… or to keep feeling it, more specifically.
It’s all self-made, in the sense that your intention makes it important or not.
Maybe you’ve got untreated feelings like shame inside. But it’s also possible you might not be embarrassed about stuff from a long time ago, right?
So your perspective right now will probably change and shift, too…
… which means feeling embarrassed in the present will pass, and in the meantime you can learn to cope by managing the aftereffects.
#2: Is there anything you’re ashamed of that others aren’t?
Maybe you struggle to not read into things. Perhaps you overthink. And it could be there are only a few people you’d be able to be yourself around.
You might have learned to move on at this point but you do know when you connect with someone else life makes a little more sense.
That’s why I recommend you reflect on being free to be yourself without shame at all costs…
Because by beginning to imagine yourself in a different set of circumstances you’ll be taking the first step towards making it real.
Then, if you do need to course-correct, you can openly acknowledge it instead of hiding it.
Example:
Tell or imagine you’re telling someone you can totally trust about the mistake (you can even say it out loud in the privacy of your room if you can’t literally talk to them)… and then try to imagine or experience them comforting you about it.
If you’re able to practice this “open policy” about mistakes long enough (which I’d recommend doing with the help of a depression therapist), you’ll be less likely to feel a “shame response.”
Even better: you’ll be less anxious and much more flexible in your responses.
That’s fantastic… not only are you re-directing your thoughts into comforting, helpful directions…
… you’re also ready for the next time you feel like you need to self-correct!
Nice.
#3. Is there anything others are ashamed of that you aren’t?
I’d like to extend this one further…
If you use the “open policy” and practice openly acknowledging mistakes… you can eventually list out the advantages and disadvantages of openly acknowledging.
This is critical… yet it can be hard to come up with during times of chaos. So after you get started in a moment when things are calm, you can come up with a list to look over in a difficult moment later and find some encouragement. The way you look at what you’ve done is ultimately what determines if it bothers you or not.
Sure, a disadvantage of telling someone you messed up is they might think less of you. But an advantage of telling someone you messed up is you might learn through a very felt experience that you can only blame yourself as the victim if you choose to apply someone else’s value system to yourself.
In other words, a person’s shame might be someone else’s idea of what’s right or wrong… and that means it’s something the person can reject.
Make sure to contact me if you think we might work well together.
Find out more about Depression Treatment.
About The Author
John Younes, JD, MA, LPCC, NCC is a trained counselor who owns a private practice in Denver, CO. In general, he specializes in depression treatment and anxiety treatment using existential and cognitive therapy practices.
And one more thing: if you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number… so for Denver, Colorado, call 1-844-493-8255 or text TALK to 38255. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.